I figured out why it breaks my heart to put away the clothes my children have outgrown. With Delilah, I chalked it up to simple nostalgia. With Noelle, I figured it was because I'm aware that she may be our last child so putting away her tiny clothes may be putting them away forever. And while both of those feelings are true and valid, they don't tell the whole story. Nor do they account for the immense sadness. I truly feel like my heart is BREAKING when I pack away the clothes that no longer fit. There are always tears--more tears than I feel are reasonable. Not loud, sobbing tears, rather the kind of tears that just fill your eyes and then spill out silently.
But it became clear just now as I was putting away Noelle's 6 month clothes and pulling out Delilah's 12 month old clothes that have become hand-me-downs. All sorts of memories flooded my brain as I was handling the clothes. Delilah during her My Gym baby classes, Noelle in Rockport, Delilah chasing Runyon in the yard. And it hit me: those girls are GONE. Especially Delilah. She is a different person now than she was at 12 months. With adults, we change a bit from year to year, but we stay essentially the same. Chris today is basically the same man I married 9 years ago. But Delilah is a different being entirely. And while I couldn't love her 3 year old self more if I tried, I miss baby Delilah. And I know I will never see her again. So, in a way, putting away the clothes our children have outgrown feels a little like putting away the clothes of a loved one who has passed. As dramatic or macabre as that sounds, it is true.
Now I know why I cry when I go through those tiny clothes.
And Chris will just have to do it from now on.
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2 comments:
I know- I know! --Grammy Di
Your post made me tear up, I feel the same way, but could never put it into the words you just wrote.
Mandi
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